Glee: “Born This Way”

Remember in high school when your guidance counselor related to students by wearing her mental illness across her chest? Yeah, we don’t either. Mr. Shoo desperately needs to learn where the line is in his role as an educator. Giving the students your cell phone number if they need a ride home after drinking? Okay. Dancing sexually on stage at a high school assembly? Not okay. After pressuring Emma to reveal her OCD to her students, Mr. Shoo could have at least come up with something better than Butt Chin.

That aside, after Glee hit rock bottom last week, there was no where to go but up with this 90-minute special. Glee delivered with heartfelt moments, a plotline that moved forward and great one-liners from Santana.

I Feel Pretty/ Unpretty was a welcome mash-up and a beautifully sung rare duet from Rachel and Quinn. We knew from the onset that Rachel wouldn’t go through with the nose job, so most of the episode was spent waiting for how she would be convinced. She wasn’t swayed by cries from her peers after handing out the photos (did anyone else see NO change? maybe it was just me), even after Finn very sweetly and to Quinn’s chagrin told Rachel she is beautiful. Glee delivered in the end with their second mall/escalator dance performance to Barbara Streissand, the one woman who persuaded Rachel to keep her shnozz. For the record- Rachel whining about her mildly pronounced nose is insulting to half the Bat Mitzvah’s I attended.

On to Kurt and the many plots spinning off of him: my roommates (who are the two 23-year-old dudes I watch Glee with every week. Sorry guys, it was going to come out sooner or later) main gripe with the episode was how the hell are the Warblers at McKinley in what seems to be the middle of the school day? And where did they get a grand piano? Whatever, it’s hardly the worst continuity offense in TV history. While Kurt’s transfer was somewhat rushed, Blaine and his perfect voice singing Keane’s “Somewhere Only We Know” with his perfect humming background singers gave the Warblers a deserved exit. I am going to miss watching the only group that is almost all a capella. Hopefully the end of the Warblers doesn’t mean the end of Blaine. Kurt’s return solo was entirely appropriate, wonderfully sung and a little boring, but it did the trick. Santana- the reason Kurt’s able to come back- is just fabulous. She is arguably the funniest character on the show, her lines rival Sue’s in witty cruelty and now she is on a (albeit somewhat selfishly motivated) quest for Kurt and the bullied.

Now on to the Quinn-Lauren-Lucy Caboosey-Prom Queen plot. You know, it didn’t quite fit into Quinn’s home life we’ve seen before. They’ve always seemed to indicate she lived in that town her whole life, but suddenly she’s only been around two years? However, if Quinn was going to have an alternate first name, Lucy could not have been more perfect. Quinn’s shallowness is frustrating to me. They spent so much time investing in her character and making her likable through her pregnancy, truces with Rachel, reaching out to Mercedes eating issues and dating Sam that I feel the writer’s have ripped the rug out from under us. And we know Finn is a bit simple minded, but he couldn’t forgive Rachel for a jew-friendly kiss but he’s unhesitant in going back to the girl that slept with his best friend and lied to him about being pregnant with his baby? Of all the messages Glee tries to send to it’s teen audience, this has to be the worst one.

Finally: Born This Way. It wasn’t over the top GaGa-tastic, which was actually appreciated, and it tied up the episode in a nice thematic bow. My only complaint is a couple of chosen word’s on the club’s tee shirts were kind of a cop out. Four Eyes? Butt Chin? So much for getting real. Others, however, were incredible (Lebanese and Trouty Mouth for the win!).

Rating: As we march towards nationals (in NYC! Yes!) and the end of the season, we’re left with a few questions. Will Quinn and Finn reign supreme, or are they nearing the end? Will Brittany go Lebanese for Santana? Will the New Directions take home the gold? Why doesn’t Emma eat just bigger fruit? Maybe she can start with these 4 bananas.

Best Quote: “The only straight I am is a straight up bitch”

Best Shirt: Trouty Mouth

Bones: “The Finder”

Why, Bones? Why must you Private Practice me with this spin-off set-up waste of an episode? No bananas for you, because in my mind this was never an episode of Bones. I will say one thing: Michael Clarke Duncan, how have you not aged in the 12 years since Armageddon? I’ll have what he’s having.

30 Rock: “100th Episode”

I’m never going to top this list, and I’m not going to try. Courtesy of NYMag’s Vulture Blog.

1. We would eat three out of the following eight cereals dreamed up by Toofer: Honey Bunches of Sadness, Oat Bum, Swastic-Os, Fruit Lupus, Dingle Berries, Fart Nuggets, Frosted Mini Guns, and Lucky Bastards.

2. What did we say to express blurgh before Blurgh?

3. And how did we say we want to go to there, before “We want to go to there”?

4. A miniature microwave oven would be really good for reheating egg rolls.

5. Words to live by: “Never go with a hippie to a second location.”

6. What hair products do you think Alec Baldwin uses?

7. Sometimes, we worry about our unborn children having Avian Bone syndrome.

8. Or worse, Blurry Face syndrome.

9. A crime-fighting team of Grizz, Dr. Spaceman, and Lutz would not be a bad idea for a spin-off.

10. And which celebrity will volunteer to name their baby Spaceman, with the correct /spəˈtʃɛmən/ pronunciation?

11. The ideal drunk-dial, no? “I’ve moved on. I bought a whole bunch of apartments. I bought a black apartment!”

12. This really is how NBC does its programming.

13. We’re pretty sure we saw Lonny Ross, who played onetime TGS star Josh Girard, in a car commercial.

14. Dot Com: Please go purchase dotcom.com.

15. Ghostface and Jenna should duet in real life.

16. Will Tracy Morgan be as eager to take off his shirt now that he has a kidney-transplant scar?

17. Who doesn’t feel this way about cornbread? “I love this cornbread so much, I want to take it behind a middle school and get it pregnant.”

18. Liz Lemon is right: All any of us really want in life is to sit in peace and eat a sandwich.

19. Jane Krakowski is great, obviously, but what would 30 Rock be like if they had kept Rachel Dratch as Jenna?

20. 30 Rock has inspired some really terrific cross-stitch.

21. And also some really terrific candy art.

22. The greatest moment in Jon Hamm’s career is when he played the Jamaican nurse in Liz’s hallucination.

23. So is Cheyenne Jackson still on this show or not?

24. We would watch three out of the following four pornos: Assatar, The Lovely Boners, The Hind Side, Fresh-Ass: Based on the Novel ‘Tush’ by Assfire.

25. Before Liz Lemon, women had to actually kiss their handsome love interests on-screen.

26. The highest-rated episode of 30 Rock ever is the one where Alec Baldwin and Elaine Stritch sing “The Christmas Song.”

27. This is a good put-down, which sounds even better when said by Elaine Stritch: “No, I heard you. Did you hear you?”

28. Tina Fey’s conversation with her mirror self in “Dealbreakers Talk Show #0001” may be her finest acting moment ever.

29. So, how old is Kenneth?

30. And who is going to give him a traumatic-childhood-memoir book deal already?

31. Can Sabor de Soledad really taste better than Doritos?

32. This was a funny thing Jack said: “Making it through a full 24 hours without making a single misstep is called Reaganing. The only other people who’ve ever done it? Lee Iacocca, Jack Welch, and — no judgment — Saddam Hussein.”

33. Also this: “She’s probably having beach sex, which is the third-best sex after elevator and White House.”

34. And: Liz: “Why are you wearing a tux?” Jack: “It’s after six. What am I, a farmer?”

35. And: “You have the boldness of a much younger woman.”

36: So Sleep Rape can be funny …

37. No one uses guest stars better.

38: Is the best Frank trucker hat the one that said “Half Centaur” or “Rods”?

39: Sharks make for good metaphors. See: “Relationships are like sharks, Liz. If you’re not left with several bite marks after intercourse, then something’s wrong.”

40. And “Live every week like it’s Shark Week.”

41. And “You are wise, Liz Lemon. Like a genetically manipulated shark.”

42. What would Jack Donaghy sound like saying your name?

43. Why don’t more TV shows take advantage of Tim Conway?

44. Aaron Sorkin’s self-deprecating cameo is the only thing that could stop us making Studio 60jokes.

45. Paul Reuben’s withered-limbed Prince Gerhardt may have been the most grotesque creation since David Cross as Titannica’s acid-burned fan on Mr. Show.

46. Whoever styles Tina Fey’s hair in her flashback scenes has a shrewd memory for the most unflattering trends of the last 30 years.

47. This really does explain Phil Collins’s appeal: “I have two ears and a heart, don’t I?”

48. Tina Fey has the least vanity of any female actress on TV since Ruth Buzzi.

49. Fart jokes never stop being funny.

50. We’re reasonably sure that if 30 Rock offered Brian Williams a full-time gig this afternoon, all you’d see on the news tonight would be an empty, spinning anchor chair.

51. It really is true what Jackie Jormp-Jomp taught us: “You know you bought it / if you buy it with things.”

52. Yummm, McFlurries.

53: What would Liz Lemon and Jack Donaghy’s kid look like?

54. This is what Liz would do for cable: “If I could push a button and five people in the world would die, but I’d get free cable for life, I’d do it.” What would you do?

55. This is a funny thing Liz said: “It doesn’t matter how long you’ve lived in New York. It’s still fun to look up and pretend all the buildings are giant severed robot penises.”

56. Also this: “There ain’t no party like a Liz Lemon party ’cause a Liz Lemon party is mandatory.”

57. And: “Who’s got two thumbs, speaks limited French, and hasn’t cried once today? This moi.”

58. Gollum arms are exactly what Madonna has.

59. Dot Com’s version of Let’s Stay Together is so much better than BET’s.

60. Tina Fey gives great awards speeches more consistently than anyone else, ever.

61.Would January Jones have dated Jason Sudeikis if it weren’t for Floyd?

62. Top Alec Baldwin moment: Jack Donaghy’s inability to figure out what to do with his armswhen shooting a product-integration video.

63. No, scratch that, it was his role-playing therapy session with Tracy, of course.

64. Donald Glover apparently wrote a lot of Tracy Morgan’s material. If so, that is still his greatest life accomplishment.

65. Was Don Geiss killed off for story reasons, or because Rip Torn had had one arrest too many?

66. Was Season 3’s early run of high-profile guest stars (Oprah/Jennifer Aniston/Steve Martin) the show’s idea or the network’s?

67. The secret to a Seinfeld catchphrase is that you felt like you’d thought it yourself sometime. 30 Rock is the inverse.

68. When Tina Fey says she wasn’t a great actress in the beginning of the show, you think she’s just being self-deprecating. But when you compare the early episodes to today’s, she was pretty much telling the truth.

69. We would have watched MILF Island.

70. Joni Mitchell, please record this song.

71. Dean Winters’s appearances as Dennis are less funny when you imagine that he’s Winters’s sociopathic Ryan O’Reilly from Oz, out on parole.

72. Julianne Moore’s Boston accent is much better if you imagine she is partially deaf.

73. Cerie’s last name is Xerox.

74. The lists of everything Tracy Jordan said defy the concept of diminishing returns.

75. We can’t get on the G train without thinking, “The G train, Nermal!”

76. More words to live by: “We all have ways of coping. I use sex and awesomeness.”

77. Now that Glee has run Sue Sylvester into a brick wall, can Jane Krakowski finally have her Emmy?

78. This is actually a really good explanation of the Uncanny Valley.

79. And why isn’t there a video game called Goregasm already?

80. A smart thing Tracy has said (beside that thing about Shark Week): “Dress every day like you’re going to get murdered in those clothes.”

81. Also, “I do not want to disappoint my Japanese public. Especially Godzilla. I’m just kidding, I know he doesn’t care what humans do.” That’s true, he doesn’t.

82. And “Do you know it’s still illegal to be black in Arizona?”

83. Liz prefers to celebrate Anna Howard Shaw Day over Valentine’s Day. Coincidentally (?), Leslie Knope likes to celebrate “Galentines Day” instead of Valentine’s Day.

84. Congrats, 30 Rock, you made it on Kanye’s My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy: “Got caught with 30 rocks / the cop looked like Alec Baldwin.”

85. Kathy Geiss is TV’s funniest half-wit since … actually, you know what, it seems kind of offensive and weird when other shows do it.

86. This is how drinking coffee feels: “It’s like my heart is trying to hug my brain!”

87. After the long post-Friends hangover, we were surprised at how happy we were to see David Schwimmer again as Greenzo.

88. Any other show would have succumbed to the temptation to book a Ludacris cameo in an episode about Ludachristmas.

89. It’s always satisfying to find old, obscure Saturday Night Live references resurfacing on 30 Rock, as if they take place in a parallel world (i.e. the faux-profanity “vondruke” from a 2000 Will Ferrell sketch is also the Franco-Dutch word for “bitch,” according to TGS writer Sue).

90. And yet it’s also satisfying that so many of TGS‘s intentionally bad sketch ideas (“Pam, the Overly Confident Morbidly Obese Woman,” “Rolando, the Two-Foot-Tall Spanish Hustler”) seem like they might have been actual recurring sketches during the Rob Schneider years.

91. Grizz and Dot Com could make a fortune if they started a babysitting service.

92. Of all the rude names one could be called behind her back, “Paul Simon” totally is worse than “Lez Lemon” and “Fart Barfunkel.”

93. The only character on the show who feels too familiar is Jonathan: A dash too much Smithers going on there.

94. 30 Rock is the exact average of The Mary Tyler Moore Show, NewsRadio, and The Larry Sanders Show.

95. We hope NBC continues to struggle, if only so 30 Rock can continue to make knowing jokes about it.

96. Also, why is it that taking any word that starts with a “C” and making it start with a “K” automatically makes it seem a little racist? Sorry, Kabletown.

97. Huh, the Trinidadian Creole word for “Stranger” sounds something like “Coschelle.”

98. Watching James Franco love on a pillow reminds us we like him.

99. In the porn version of 30 Rock, the porn Frank wears a hat that says “boner,” which, weirdly, Frank himself has never worn.

100. Who will smart, funny women have to obsess over when Liz Lemon is gone?

http://nymag.com/daily/entertainment/2011/04/100_thoughts_on_30_rock.html

Modern Family: “Someone to Watch Over Lily”

After years of hitting Mary with a Shepard’s staff during the church nativity play, throwing pebbles at our new car, shattering the windshield, and the very special occasion of Jason naming a staple Bob and, subsequently, swallowing Bob, my brothers were both diagnosed with ADD. Like Claire, my mom wanted to take them to a doctor for years, but my dad was set against it. And like Phil, my dad… let’s just say he wanders off while you’re mid-sentence. While Modern Family is always perfect balance of hilarious relatability, last night’s Dunphy plot particularly struck a cord.

Rating: Heartwarming from every side and made me rewind the DVR because I missed 2 minutes while laughing. Just great.

Glee: “A Night of Neglect”

They should have called this A Night of Regret, because that’s how it left me feeling: regretful that I wasted an hour of my life on this terrible episode. Though let me just say what we’re all thinking: Adios Gwyneth, don’t let the door hit your annoying, poor acting ass on the way out.

Rating: Mercedes unnecessary Diva-dom, the overall boring song choice and the ever-irritating Holly Holiday land this episode of Glee on my “worst of all time” list.